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When I was younger, I was pretty fear-driven at work. Always worrying about not being good enough, I tended to have emotional reactions to happenings that were way out of proportion to the actual event. I was still effective in many ways, but those emotions kept me feeling really caged. It was not a fun period in my life. I remember getting assigned to work on a project with one particular colleague. She always said she “didn’t have time” or would “get to it later”; she put up barrier after barrier to working with me on the project. My frustration got so bad, I’d go into the bathroom and cry. Yeah, that felt really professional and grown up.

And because I had something that I had to accomplish with that colleague but couldn’t, I would bring my frustration to my boss, babbling on about how upset I was that I couldn’t do what she wanted me to do. She taught me a valuable lesson:

UNDER EVERY EMOTIONAL UPSET IS A BUSINESS ISSUE THAT IS NOT BEING ADDRESSED

I promise this is true. And here’s the thing: feelings are feelings, and they are valid, but when they control you, you can’t get into action. You can do a lot about business issues that go unaddressed. So the next time you find yourself becoming upset or having a strong emotional reaction at work, try these steps:

Step 1: Feel the emotion.
Do whatever you need to process the emotion: go for a walk… go get a soda… write a nasty letter you will never send (not an email draft, please… mistakes happen)… go outside and scream at the sky. Do whatever it takes to release that emotion. Don’t fight it… get right in there and feel it fully. It’s surprising how quickly you can release emotion, when you really let yourself be fully immersed in it.

Step 2: Look under the emotion for the business issue.
This takes a bit of practice, but hunt around for the business issue that is not being addressed. Try not to go into solution mode… get in there and really identify the problem. Sometimes, there’s more than one! In the example above, I was given responsibility for getting something done without appropriate authority to do so. I had no authority to make that person do anything she didn’t want to do. Notice I was not assigning any blame. You want to strip away any blame or emotion and just really dig down to a neutral statement about what the business issue is.

Step 3: Generate some possible solutions.
Now that you have a good handle on the problem, start to think of ways that it could be solved. In my example, I could have asked that my boss manage my colleague more directly to ensure she was making time to work with me; I could have asked for explicit authority to drive the process with my colleague; I could have requested different teammate. Make sure you’re making a business solution; watch for blame or inflammatory language in how you state it. It can be helpful to talk to a trusted colleague at this point, or another trusted sounding board.

Step 4: Now sit with what you have identified for the rest of the day.
Yes…the whole rest of the day. No action today. Just let it go. Go about your business and just let it percolate in the back of your mind. If you’ve really processed the feelings in Step 1, you will feel a certain amount of calm during this process. If not, you may need to repeat Step 1.

Step 5: Revisit and devise your action plan.
The next morning, take a fresh look at the situation. Revisit Steps 2 and 3 to see if any new thoughts have come to you. Next, decide on your action plan. In my case, I decided that all roads led to my boss, so I took my possible solutions to her and sought her advice on the best way to handle the situation. She validated my concerns and we were able to work toward a solution together.

It felt miraculous to me to discover that I could have an emotional (and very human) reaction to something at work, and yet still be effective in solving problems.

The key for me, and for many of my staff once I became a manager, was looking underneath that emotion to uncover the unresolved business issue:

“Mary Anne can never make a decision!”
…Perhaps the committee structure isn’t working and a clear leader is needed.
…Perhaps the actual decision-maker on the other end has never been revealed to you.
What else could the business issue be?

“Jonathan never does X, and I can’t do Y until he does!”
…Perhaps the process isn’t documented.
…Perhaps the process isn’t working for that person for a reason that you can’t see.
What else could the business issue be?

“Sharon is so disorganized, it’s making me crazy!! I can’t deal with all her emails!”
…Perhaps this is a process issue or the process needs to be documented.
…Perhaps the two players have very different time-management styles.
What else could the business issue be?

See how it works? Give it a try…. Next time you get really upset or emotional about something at work, follow these 5 steps and see what they uncover for you! Our society wants you to think that people at work are “professional” and not feeling. So not true. Your strong emotions are telling you that something important needs your attention, so don’t shut them down! By leaning into them in a managed way, you can create positive change!

Does this work for you? How do you handle emotional upset in the workplace? I’d love to hear about your experience! Leave a comment below, or drop me a line at amy@amymccorkle.com!

At this time of year, we make resolutions and set goals. The New Year is about hitting things that we have been putting off, or attacking things that we’ve wanted to do but just haven’t gotten to. It’s often about tackling tasks that we feel we must because of external pressure from loved ones or society or even an inner nag. By their very nature, goals require us to overcome some form of resistance. Listen to the language we use! Hitting, attacking, tackling… as if we are about to do combat with ourselves!

To me, the concept of setting goals feels like we are setting up for a fight. A fight to do… to achieve… to overcome … to win. The very words we use to express goal setting sap our energy and are so daunting that we set ourselves up for failure even before we get started!

This New Year, I keep reflecting on the word surrender: to relinquish control, or to yield to a strong force. Instead of attacking goals for the New Year, how would it feel if we surrendered to what is true for us? Surrender to the things that we value, that enrich us and nourish us….surrender to what allows us a true expression of self. Take a look deep inside and decide what you really value. If you surrender yourself to what it means to live into that deeply held value, how might that guide your actions? For example, if you want to lose weight, what value does that support…. Is it about being healthy? Is it about self-care? Is it about being there for your family? What is that really about for YOU? Take a few deep breaths and tune into what really matters to you. Let go of the need to do for a few moments and just be. Let go of the struggle, surrender, and fall into yourself. Who is peeking back at you? What matters enough to light a spark inside you?

In this New Year, I want to find ways to express and celebrate who I really am. I’m letting go of my “shoulds.” I’m giving up the struggle. I’m foregoing the swirl of activity around me in favor on focusing on what matters. Is that different from a resolution? It’s all in your perspective, I suppose. But I would much prefer that January not be a month-long fight with myself.

How would surrendering to what you value most change your thinking about New Year’s resolutions? How much more likely are you to stay the course? How would you feel in six weeks if, instead of doing battle and perhaps losing, you let go and experience the peace of inner conviction?